Don’t Date a Teacher

Recently I stumbled across this sweet, darling blog post by another blogger entitled “Date a Girl Who Teaches”.  It lists examples of traits common to teachers and explains why they would be desirable to men. Here’s one:

It is easy enough to date a girl who teaches. She won’t want expensive gifts; you can buy storybook for her birthday, flowers for teacher’s day, craft punchers for christmas. you can buy her anything but please spare her with coffee mugs; she has lots from her students.

Positively saccharine.

I read the post, then immediately began writing my own version. Friends, I give you:

Don’t Date a Teacher

Let’s say you meet a teacher.  This teacher is cute, fun, and when you ask what they do for a living, they reply, smiling, “I’m a teacher.” You probably jump to some positive conclusions.  This person must be extremely patient and have the kindness of a Mother Theresa/lamb hybrid. You might even picture stock images of teachers, laughing as they point to vowels in a workbook, or smiling triumphantly as little Johnny correctly identifies Macedonia on a map of the world. You think about movies and TV shows you’ve seen where teachers charm the socks off their students, overcome seemingly insurmountable odds, and manage to do it all while looking awesome.

Well, as a teacher myself, I’m here to tell you to snap out of it. Here’s what you’re really in for.

Teachers will speak to you as if you’re a student in an argument.

Teachers are highly trained in the art of keeping cool when things get heated, and one of those ways of keeping cool is delivering some of the most mind-blowingly annoying one-liners on the planet.  For example:

“Let me know when you’re ready to take responsibility for your actions.”

“Use your words.”

“Was that a good choice?”

These statements and questions, disguised as innocuous, even gentle hints, are designed specifically to make you want to set yourself on fire.

They will go hours without responding to your communication attempts, often without explanation.

If you’re one of those people who expects to hear back when you text or call someone, you should probably steer clear of teachers. I know that personally, from about 10:30 PM to 5:30 PM the next day, it’s a complete crapshoot whether I will reply at all, let alone promptly.

They have a near-perfect BS detector.

You will get away with nothing.

Watch out for PEGPS.

PEGPS stands for Pre End-of-Grading-Period Syndrome, the period of time before grades are due for report cards. PEGPS is characterized by extreme irritability, poor nutritional choices, and zombie-like fatigue. PEGPS lasts for 2-3 WEEKS and happens four to six times per YEAR.

They will bring home every strain of each airborne disease within a 25-mile radius.

Hope your immune system’s perfect.

None of your accomplishments matter anymore.

“Honey, I just qualified for the Boston Marathon!”

“Oh, please. I just graded 180 persuasive essays in one weekend.”

“That was my mom on the phone. They just put my childhood dog down.”

“You think that’s depressing? Look at these literary analyses they turned in. Five weeks on this unit and they still can’t come up with a decent thesis!”

They won’t be able to see you ever, especially during DEVOLSON.

And if they are available, they will only want to watch a mindless movie at home in perfect silence.

If you decide to take her anywhere directly after work, just know that it will seem to others as if you are escorting around a cardigan-wearing, homeless witch with unexplainable stray marker/pen marks from wrist to elbow.

Friends, let me save you some trouble. If you’re in a bar and you see a woman in flats and a cardigan with an oversized shoulder tote asking about discounts, stay away.

Stay very far away.



P.S. This is satire. You should totally date a teacher.  They’re the actual best.