This story is just more proof that I’m insane.
I bought a thin, black turtleneck this weekend to go under several warmer-weather dresses that I have because a) I’m a Puritan and adore anything concealing, b) layering is much cheaper than buying new clothes, and c) if I wear thick turtlenecks I will drown in my own sweat. J. Crew has these turtlenecks they’ve named whisper turtlenecks because they’re thin, and J. Crew can’t just call them thin turtlenecks because… well, it’s J. Crew.
Also, I was able to use my teacher discount which made me raise the roof to my cashier.
Anyway, I’m wearing the whisper turtleneck today, and was walking around the back of the school after manning my station for morning duty. I walk around the back of the school instead of going through the middle for two reasons: a) I’m about to spend 8 hours in a room with roughly 30 people and I need all the alone time I can get, b) the back of the school looks out over the football field, and in the early morning it’s easy for me to pretend that the football field is actually an English meadow.
(Believe it or not, I haven’t made it to the part where I’m insane.)
As I’m walking around the back of the school, looking out over the meadow behind my imaginary English cottage with a brown cow named Horace, I started thinking about my new whisper turtleneck.
What a funny name, I thought. Whisper turtleneck. Sounds like a command. Whisper turtleneck or I’ll kill you.
“Turtleneck,” I whispered obediently.
“What’d you say?”
I looked up, startled. A colleague of mine was about fifteen feet to my right, by the side of the building, grinning.
“Uh,” I laughed nervously. “Nothing. I didn’t see you there.”
“No,” he insisted. “You said something. What did you say?”
I decided to take a serious social gamble on him maybe thinking this was as funny as I did.
“So I whispered ‘turtleneck’ because I bought this turtleneck this weekend and it’s called a whisper turtleneck,” I said. I laughed. He tipped his head to the side like a confused animal.
“Wait… what?” He’s a math teacher, and looked as if he were actually trying to figure out my situation as a word problem in his head. A teacher walks around the back of the school by herself whispering the names of articles of clothing for entertainment. If she’s in her twenties, single, and wearing a turtleneck, about how long will it take for her to start hoarding animals at her current rate of crazy?
“Turtleneck,” I confirmed. “Welp, have a good one!”
Then I cackled all the way to my room.