10 Teaching Inventions I Wish Existed, With Illustrations

Summer means I have lots of time to do important
thinking, which this morning has meant coming up with this list of teaching
inventions I wish existed.
1) Grading machine
You’ll notice that it looks remarkably like a fax machine. It can even grade essays! Oh, also it can create make-up exams. I just decided.
2) Silent spray
Extra strength: for grades 6-8
I’ve seen cute versions of this on Pinterest for pre-school
age kiddos, but mine would be very serious. Sort of like Febreze except instead
of working with smells it will work with sounds. A quick spray across the room
and a hush just falls over everyone. Ahhhh.
Also, my roommate held up a placemat just behind our coffee table for this picture to happen. Thanks, Esther!
3) A special telephone that has a direct hotline for answers
to everything
Preferably the hotline attendant would be Morgan Freeman. He
would have the answers to my most plaguing questions, which, last year, were
things like:
“Yeah, it’s October and our school ran out of paper and toner
for the rest of the year. What do I do?”
“Who wrote ‘Charlie = bae’ in this copy of Flowers for
“Where did I put my Easy Grader?”
“Why is there a staple in my hair?”
4) A life-sized hamster wheel
For that one angel we all have.
5) A light-up PMS necklace
The heart of the ocean.
I love life most of the time. But exactly five days before
my period, I love nothing and nobody. If I had a necklace that lit up and
played a song (preferably, a happy, twinkly tune) when I was PMSing, it would
help me to recognize that my irritability and tears were coming from a place of hormonal chaos
rather than the real world, and I would be able to cope accordingly.
6) A clock that sings the perfect song at the beginning of
the day, during every passing period, and at the end of the day
This isn’t like an iPod alarm or something where I choose
the song; it just knows what to play. IT KNOWS!
7) Food-multiplying wand
If I’m starving during class and take out a granola bar during class,
everyone wants one. It would be nice to turn one into 35 with a simple wave of
my wand. Also, I could easily promise my classes cookies or mini quiches or
whatever I felt like because I would only have to make one instead of a hundred and twenty.

The wand would
also come in handy when your coworker brings amazing leftovers from last
night’s dinner at that new steakhouse in town and you accidentally packed
yourself a bell pepper because you thought it was an apple in your early
morning lunch-packing stupor.

8) A zipline that goes from my room to my parking space
Because why not?
9) A remote-control robot teacher for
active monitoring during testing
Just program it to go up and down the aisles, sit back at
your desk, and Sudoku your little heart out. Also I emailed my mom and asked her to draw a robot teacher with a Sharpie in under 30 seconds and this is what she sent back. I cackled.
10) An arm belt
Basically I just want another set of hands.
Excuse me while I go have a nightmare about that arm belt.
What teaching inventions do you wish existed? I’m almost worried about your creativity.