14 Reasons Why I Will Die Alone


Most of the time, I love being a single gal teaching in a big city.

But sometimes, like this week, I take a look at my life and realize that I will probably die alone and that my body will be eaten by coyotes.

Because it’s Tuesday and everyone knows that Tuesdays are for whining, I give you:

14 Reasons Why I Will Die Alone

1) I don’t go out anymore because I’m tired all the time.

If I do happen to be persuaded to venture out beyond the confines of my apartment, car, and classroom, I’m usually:

  • With a pack of other teachers
  • Wearing my faculty shirt that has a giant paw print on it
  • Sporting stray pen marks and dry erase marker ruboff on my arms because I erase my white board with my forearms now, like a Neanderthal
  • Yawning at 8:00 and telling anyone who will listen how I’d rather be in my pajamas

Line up, fellas.

2) I for sure won’t meet anyone at school.

The male teachers at my school are either:

  • Married
  • Have caught me whispering to my clothing
  • Have said things to me like, “Did you forget your comb today? Haha. Relax, I’m just kidding. I actually think your hair looks nice like that.”
  • Maybe too normal, which says a lot about how weird I’ve become

3) I basically have been controlling my own life for the past several years now, and I’m not sure I could handle not being in control anymore.

Isn’t this an attractive quality?

4) I bought these plastic mystical ponies at Target tonight.

What? Why? I have no answers to these questions.

5) See my fingernails in the above picture

6) Because I live in a large city, I’ve learned to walk with a sense of purpose so that strange men don’t approach me to say gross things. However, I am now so good at this that NOBODY approaches me.

7) These are my recently used emojis:

8) I have limited interaction with the male species due to my schedule, so when I am around a guy that is even marginally attractive or nice to me, my body betrays me and I can’t stop giggling, sweating, or saying super weird things like facts about dolphins that I learned from a podcast

P.S.it’s this one and it’s amazing.

9) Looking cute is time-consuming, expensive, and I give up.

My student teacher has offered to help me, so that’s hopeful. I told her I may have time next March.

10) I am too afraid to have kids anymore.

I used to want to crank out so many kids it would require some kind of commune to raise them all, but teaching has made me realize that kids, while lovely, are mostly just fragile and dangerous creatures. They’re basically walking Ziploc bags full of organs that sass you sometimes. Also, I blame my lack of interest on my pregnant coworkers and their absolutely horrifying daily updates on what pregnancy does to your body. Thanks for nothing, pregnant coworkers!

11) My standards are warped because of my literature man crushes, which may be the dorkiest thing ever typed in human history.

12) I’m looking into taking a quilting class at the suggestion of my pen pal.

13) I just believe that the above sentence should probably count twice in my list of reasons I will die alone.

14) Someone has been lingering outside my window listening to the radio on speakerphone for the past several minutes.

I know that I won’t really die alone– I’m just being dramatic.

I’ll die surrounded by my books, my lifelong companions.