Things I Said Out Loud Today: DEVOLSON Edition

This past spring I wrote a post about the crazy stuff I found myself saying out loud. Then this week I realized that, due to the Dark, Evil Vortex of Late September, October, and November, I am running completely on empty, both patience-wise and motivation-wise, which has led to some pretty questionable content coming out of my mouth. It has also led to sentence you just read that contained far too many clauses.
Here are some things I said out loud today.
“I wish explosive
diarrhea upon you.”
After a student hid underneath a table and grabbed my
ankle.
“Did someone take my
gloves on accident? Joke’s on you; they smell like dead hamsters.”
They
were my running gloves. And by running I mean jogging. And by jogging I mean it
looks like I’m casually cross-country skiing but with no poles.
“Can I see a head nod
from everyone to indicate, ‘Yes, Ms. Teach, I understand that you did not
intentionally show us that advertisement?’”
I was showing a YouTube video
that had to do with what I was teaching, and apparently the version I looked up
yesterday was different from today’s, which had an incredibly age-inappropriate
advertisement preceding it. Hooray.
“Please stop losing
your minds.”
A good minute and a half after said advertisement was shown.
“Oh, it’s your
birthday? On the count of three, everyone creepily whisper ‘Happy birthday’ to
Melinda.”
Have you ever done this with your class before? It’s way quieter
and way more hilarious than singing.
“Eliud, you’re not allowed to talk in
time out.”
Keep in mind I teach 8th grade.
“You did your packet
in hot pink pen? Who do you think you are, Kim Kardashian
?” I don’t know
why I chose this celebrity—I have no knowledge of her ever having written in
hot pink pen. Also, I KEEP A PENCIL CUP ON MY TABLE.
“Bye, don’t
participate in any stupid or reckless behavior.”
I say this to my classes
as I dismiss them every Friday.
“I love throwing away
other people’s trash! It’s my favorite!”
I think I read somewhere that
middle school teachers in particular should avoid using sarcasm with their
students. Oops.
“Whoever organized
the binders without being asked shall feast in Valhalla!
” I’ve been
thinking about Vikings a lot lately.
“Because the
government.”
In response to, “Miss, why do we have so many more kids in our
class this year?”
“Oh, look! You’re
tardy.”
Then I laughed way harder than necessary.
“Well, could you see
that singing ‘You got a fast car’ repeatedly was upsetting him?”
Just
another day of middle school conflict mediation.
“I can’t.” After school, out loud, alone in my classroom, upon considering and immediately rejecting the idea of changing my bulletin board.
Come on, Thanksgiving. Mama needs you.
Love,
Teach