Things I Said Out Loud Today: DEVOLSON Edition

This past spring I wrote a post about the crazy stuff I found myself saying out loud. Then this week I realized that, due to the Dark, Evil Vortex of Late September, October, and November, I am running completely on empty, both patience-wise and motivation-wise, which has led to some pretty questionable content coming out of my mouth. It has also led to sentence you just read that contained far too many clauses.
Here are some things I said out loud today.
“I wish explosive
diarrhea upon you.”
After a student hid underneath a table and grabbed my
ankle.
“Did someone take my
gloves on accident? Joke’s on you; they smell like dead hamsters.”
They
were my running gloves. And by running I mean jogging. And by jogging I mean it
looks like I’m casually cross-country skiing but with no poles.
“Can I see a head nod
from everyone to indicate, ‘Yes, Ms. Teach, I understand that you did not
intentionally show us that advertisement?’”
I was showing a YouTube video
that had to do with what I was teaching, and apparently the version I looked up
yesterday was different from today’s, which had an incredibly age-inappropriate
advertisement preceding it. Hooray.
“Please stop losing
your minds.”
A good minute and a half after said advertisement was shown.
“Oh, it’s your
birthday? On the count of three, everyone creepily whisper ‘Happy birthday’ to
Melinda.”
Have you ever done this with your class before? It’s way quieter
and way more hilarious than singing.
“Eliud, you’re not allowed to talk in
time out.”
Keep in mind I teach 8th grade.
“You did your packet
in hot pink pen? Who do you think you are, Kim Kardashian
?” I don’t know
why I chose this celebrity—I have no knowledge of her ever having written in
hot pink pen. Also, I KEEP A PENCIL CUP ON MY TABLE. 
“Bye, don’t
participate in any stupid or reckless behavior.”
I say this to my classes
as I dismiss them every Friday.
“I love throwing away
other people’s trash! It’s my favorite!”
I think I read somewhere that
middle school teachers in particular should avoid using sarcasm with their
students. Oops.
“Whoever organized
the binders without being asked shall feast in Valhalla!
” I’ve been
thinking about Vikings a lot lately.
“Because the
government.”
In response to, “Miss, why do we have so many more kids in our
class this year?”
“Oh, look! You’re
tardy.”
Then I laughed way harder than necessary.
“Well, could you see
that singing ‘You got a fast car’ repeatedly was upsetting him?”
Just
another day of middle school conflict mediation.
“I can’t.” After school, out loud, alone in my classroom, upon considering and immediately rejecting the idea of changing my bulletin board.

Come on, Thanksgiving. Mama needs you.
Love,
Teach

90 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Ms. Teach:

    You are my new favorite person. I am a student teacher in a very low-income Middle School. My master teacher has been teaching for 24 years and told me on the first day she met me that she would have retired already if they would let her. She's checked out and I'm in this alone.

    Recently, I have very much enjoyed binge reading your blog. It has done wonders in making me feel like less of a lonely, bleeding-hearted crazy person. I belly laughed much too loud in the middle of my credential class at the "12 times it's been worse" post.

    Keep doing you.

    – Ms. Newb

  2. Anonymous

    I really enjoy reading your blog. First year teacher, the whole DEVOLSON thing you write about seems to be true. I felt like these past two or three weeks were going way better and then yesterday, it stunk like poo. Keep on writing. We need your humor.

  3. Anonymous

    My Friday goodbye is "have fun, make smart choices" (high school) and I actually had a student tell me to get mad at her for being late, "cause if I don't then I'll think it is okay". Really!??!

  4. Ashley Louk

    When my math class somehow ended up talking about fundraising (I blame DEVOLSON)…
    Student: Who do I have to write to so that the school can sell us candy before and after school?
    Me: Michelle Obama.
    Student: Well, what's her address?
    Me: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington DC.
    Student: (With wide eyes) You know her address?
    Me: Yup. I know the President's, too.
    Student: Wow.

  5. Anonymous

    I teach middle school and your blog is so incredibly "on target". I laugh hysterically at things that others just don't get. I want to encourage you to continue using sarcasm when appropriate. Many times, its our only defense!

  6. johsnna nucholson

    Oh dear! I too teach 8th graders and I actually started speaking in Galeic (too many Outlander episodes) this past riday just to get their attention! OYE! mama needs s Holiday!

  7. Kay

    I am in my first year of teaching primary (8yr olds) in the UK and I obsessively read your blog – it gets me through my bad days! Keep it up sista.

  8. The Shoeless Schoolmarm

    I just found your blog and was reading this post as my students did some close reading and they all wanted to know what I was laughing at. I think they were interested cause DEVOLSON and cause….they don't want to do the work but I chose to read them some of them. Loved it! They said I need to start one of these cause I say the dumbest stuff all the time. 8th graders, such sweethearts! Anyways just wanted to say I love your blog and I sign off on Fridays with "Don't do anything TOO illegal" because saying don't do ANYTHING illegal is expecting too much.

  9. Anonymous

    Love the creepy whisper and will definitely use it! My goodbye is "Bye! Have a great weekend!", and when they don't respond I yell "Thank you, you too Mrs. Smith!!"

  10. Anonymous

    The "You've Got a Fast Car" one is so classically middle school – I laughed out loud at that one everytime I thought of it for the rest of the day!

  11. La Maestra

    My 'derp' statement this week: Keep your hands off yourselves! (combining 'off others' and 'to yourselves') So, I started seeing arms stretching out. When I saw this, I was puzzled. Then it hit me. "I said to keep your hands off yourselves, didn't I? Well, you know what I meant."

  12. Anonymous

    I actually started singing the theme from Mister Rogers Neighborhood to my 7th graders today, as I was feeling especially giddy about some great news. Of course, I then had to bring up a video to show them where my strange choice of songs came from. One other day I had a 6th grader with hiccups and I walked up behind her and screamed. The whole class jumped and then laughed. And the hiccups were gone. The kids still talk about the way I cured her of her hiccups. They think I am a genius!

  13. Anonymous

    Here's what I told my principal today, "welcome to the fuck you club!" This was after she told me one of my six year olds told her fu today. He told me the same thing yesterday! 🙂 Yesterday was one of my best days ever!

  14. Anonymous

    That is fantastic! I teach 7th and 8th also. Phrases I had never thought I'd say that I have uttered in the last month: "Your binder is not a chew toy." "Your back belongs on the back of the chair, not the bottom of it." "Please do not shove a sucker stick sideways into your mouth. I don't want to reach in and pull it out when you choke on it." It's always a joy to deal with middle schoolers. 🙂

  15. GRSgal

    First year teacher here (urban high school science). Thank you for writing–I really, really needed the encouragement that I will get better at this and that it won't always seem as daunting.

  16. Anonymous

    Thank you for finally naming this quarter of the year!!! For me, it's the Dark, Evil Vortex of a Long September, October, and November! Always happy when this period is past!
    Thanks for all that you share!

  17. Anonymous

    I'm still in college, but I want to teach middle school English so I am shadowing an English teacher at a local middle school. The school is on the same campus as the high school, and when two middle school boys got into a fight yesterday, one of the high school teachers was nearby and tried to break it up and separate the two. He wasn't doing a spectacular job, and an eighth-grade girl whispered "This is why you don't send a high school teacher to do a middle school teacher's job," to me. I laughed for a long time 🙂

  18. Anonymous

    I teach high school. Before Spring Break, I send them off with "Don't call me for bail money." When they get hysterical over something it's "Stop setting your hair on fire!"

  19. Anonymous

    viewpure.com

    You simply type in the video's youtube address, then voila – no ads!!! I teach 7th grade, and you make me giggle. Thanks 🙂

  20. Ashley

    Thanks so much for your blog. It makes me feel better to know that there are others out there like me. I wanted to mention a lifesaver that I frequently use in my classroom. If you copy your link from Youtube and paste it into Viewpure.com, it will show without the ads and sidebars that may contain questionable content. It is never good to have students asking about what is on those sidebars…

  21. Unknown

    Today instead of "Empty your cubbies into your backpacks, " I said "Empty your backpack into your cubbies. " It's a tiny difference to us but a twenty minute setback when dealing with five year olds at dismissal time.

  22. TK Rocks

    Today instead of "Empty your cubbies into your backpacks, " I said "Empty your backpack into your cubbies. " It's a tiny difference to us but a twenty minute setback when dealing with five year olds at dismissal time.

  23. Anonymous

    Some things translate universally. 18 years in a Yup'ik Eskimo village and I've started to join in the madness. Bought them the cheaper version of Goldfish (duck shaped) for a snack. They started out as "Gold ducks," but soon became "Duckfish," then "Cheeducks" (perilously close to the local word for diarrhea), and are now known as "Duckcheese" (sounds like you're saying "things from my butt" in Yup'ik).

  24. Michele Luck

    Love this! 1. Sarcasm is VITAL! And 2. In my first year teaching, I was really cool and used all that new Internet stuff… With my entire freshman Government class watching my rigged up TV, I typed… http://www.whitehouse. C O M. DON'T DO IT! I learned quickly to open all websites BEFORE class so I could make sure I was teaching Social Studies instead of SOCIAL studies!

  25. Anonymous

    Things I heard today:
    'Miss, what would win out of a fight between a lion and a leopard? Aren't they the same animal?'
    'Why are their pens in the roof?'
    [talking about animal phyla in Science] 'Yeah there's birds, reptiles, mammals, fish, and… kardashians?'
    [me] 'Everyone, calm your farms. this is real life, not snapchat!'

    Mel
    Year 7 – 9 Science Teacher
    Australia 🙂

  26. Anonymous

    I told students at the beginning of the year that writing in blood was fine-just don't come to class unprepared. I teach biology-I have lancets available.

  27. Kerry Nixon

    I teach high school and on Fridays I say " bye, have a nice weekend, make good choices and no new charges". Sometimes I add. " and this weekend shower with soap!" What ad version do teens have against showering?

  28. D Lp

    Ha- I have always said on Fridays "Don't do anything dangerous!" just to see if they're listening- & they are cause they smile. Once in awhile they tell me not to, also. Grades 10-12- Gotta love them (little kids in big bodies?)

  29. D Lp

    Ha- I have always said on Fridays "Don't do anything dangerous!" just to see if they're listening- & they are cause they smile. Once in awhile they tell me not to, also. Grades 10-12- Gotta love them (little kids in big bodies?)

  30. Anonymous

    I teach 8th science. My usual dismissal is simply a dry "Go away", accompanied by a wink or smile. By the end of September my kids ask at the end of class "Can we go away?".
    One of my favorite responses is "If you'll remember that I'm cruel and heartless, it will answer many of your questions."
    They know I love them… I think…maybe…

    1. Maria Smith

      I tell my kids, "I love you – go away. I love you – get out." If I forget, they always say, "You didn't say it!". At first they thought it was a little mean, but then they realized that I do love them but they need to go home!! (I teach 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade gifted.)

  31. Anonymous

    One year I was in a room that had a bunch of red ink spatters on the ceiling tiles. Early in the year a student asked, "Why are there red spots on the ceiling?" Without missing a beat and with a completely flat affect, I replied, "That's where I keep the bodies of disobedient students." Didn't have as many discipline issues that year. Hmmm.

  32. Anonymous

    I teach high school seniors, and I have a very light-hearted rapport with one of my classes. Despite this (or because of it), they at times drive me insane with their chattiness and relentless questions. One day, as I was cueing up the projector, it switched sources and projected an eerie blue screen. One student yelled, "Hey Mrs! This is creepy! Are you sure you're not showing us a horror movie?" To which I responded, "Oh, I am. But it's not a movie. And I'm going to murder you all if you don't stop talking." Thank god for that light-hearted rapport….

  33. BCHS bball

    This is awesome! I am so following this blog. I just happened upon it this morning and I teach 6 & 7 science. I swear I have the exact same thoughts! I laughed so hard reading this…thank you so much for putting this out there and creating a place for comradery!

  34. Unknown

    I'm way late to this party, but I found this on Pinterest and had to add mine. The day before Christmas break, I actually said, "Please stop flossing with her hair." So glad for break!

  35. Anonymous

    Never in my 20 years of teaching 6th grade Earth Science would I have thought I would ever say, " hold still while I try and remove this fish hook from your zipper!", but I sure did.

  36. Unknown

    Ha I teach 8th grade science and I relate to these – going to use the Happy Birthday whisper idea. Also students will say "What happens if I don't do my homework?" To which I reply, "the world will explode". I am sure I have more.

  37. Darlene Miller

    When I had to leave the room to get extra copies, "Don't kill each other while I'm gone." As I was coming back I heard "she's coming, she's coming". When I opened the door, all my students were playing dead, on the floor, on desks, etc. I just about died laughing.

  38. Darlene Miller

    When I had to leave the room to get extra copies, "Don't kill each other while I'm gone." As I was coming back I heard "she's coming, she's coming". When I opened the door, all my students were playing dead, on the floor, on desks, etc. I just about died laughing.

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