How To Throw Your First DEVOLSON Party

Step 1: Win the lottery so you can have enough money to pay a fancy baking person for the elaborate treats featured in this image. Because you definitely won’t have the energy to make them during DEVOLSON.

If you’re just tuning in, there’s an acronym I coined for the period of time every fall when I cry about 10 times more regularly than normal.

It’s called
DEVOLSON, the happy, shiny newness of Back-to-School has faded. Boundaries are
being tested. The work is getting tougher. The workday is getting longer while
the hours of sunlight are getting shorter. And there is no break in sight.
It’s the
Dark, Evil Vortex of Late September, October, and November.
And it is
upon us.
artists know that the best way to deal with an opposing force is to move your body in a way that embraces the force instead of resists it. In
this post, I’m taking the same approach to DEVOLSON. When we try to pretend
like DEVOLSON isn’t happening or try to work against it, we merely increase the
tension until we reach a point where we become frustrated and feel hopeless.
Recognizing DEVOLSON and laughing about it with our teaching buddies? Suddenly this
long, break-less period of doom is tackle-able.
I now command
you to host a DEVOLSON party for you and your coworkers. Here is everything
you’ll need.
1. Invitations
invitations make anything more fun, but let’s be real: it’s DEVOLSON and you’re
tired and have no money. Luckily, the good folks over at Paperless Post* have
your back. Super cute, super easy online invitations. And many of them are
free! Here’s one I whipped up real quick on their website:
If DEVOLSON already has you too hopeless to create online
invitations, don’t worry. You can just save one of the images below and slap it on an email.
2. A banner  Anyone who walks into your DEVOLSON party
needs to know that feelings are okay. Banners with customizable alphabet
letters are everywhere these days. I think I want mine to read, “Everything Is
Terrible,” Simple, true, to-the-point. Other options:
-“The DEVOL Made Me Do It”
-“It’ll All Be Over Soon. Except Not.”
-“Welcome to Your 3-Month Nightmare”
3. Comfort foods
 There is a time in life for celery sticks and puffed rice discs, but now is not
that time. Pasta, an ice cream sundae bar, mashed potato stations, this is
where your mind needs to be when planning food for a DEVOLSON party. Here are
some recipes I found for treats that are easy and emotionally soothing:
3. Raffle for an item related to a DEVOLSON-approved
  •       Massage/spa gift certificate
  •     Netflix subscription
  •     Candle, miniature Zen garden, bath products, or
    other relaxation-related item
  •     One of these awesome head pillows for sleeping
    at your desk during your conference period
4. Drinks
If you’re off campus, you will need to make
arrangements for lots and lots of wine. If you’re on campus, stick to grape
juice and pretend in your head that it has real-wine powers, or try
non-alcoholic versions of these not-really-signature-but-with-fun-names
DEVOLSON cocktails:
Miser-ita (margarita)
Angry-a (sangria)
Oh-no-sa (mimosa)
Was that last one too much of a stretch? Don’t care.
5. Games
Come up with a list of as many DEVOLSON
teacher behaviors as you can. Use those statements to create Bingo cards. I
almost typed out the rules for Bingo, but then I remembered we’re all
teachers!  Here are some sample
statements to get you started:
1. Locked your keys in your car.
2. Locked your keys in your classroom
3. Tried to open your classroom door with your car keys, or
vice versa.
4. Pressed your snooze alarm more than five times in one
5. Have given up on any and all health regimens you were
rocking this summer.
6. Are currently wearing some type of unintentionally
mismatched clothing (shoes, socks, etc.)
7. Called your student the name of your child/cat/spouse, or
vice versa.
8. Had a school-related stress dream.
Teacher Meme Game
Have teachers try to guess the teacher memes on this
matching game. First one with all correct wins! (This game might be better if
you’ve got a younger crowd, though seasoned vets could totally hold their own!)
Click here to download the PDF from Dropbox! (You might also be able to save the image below and print it out.)
Click here to download the key from Dropbox!
I sure hope you’re all ready to throw your first DEVOLSON
party, because it’s time for me to go to bed. (It’s 8:32).
Share your party (and just general DEVOLSON shenanigans) with me using the hashtag #devolson!
And remember:
You can’t spell DEVOLSON without LOVE,
*They are not paying me to write this. I have yet to encounter any company that wants me as a product spokesperson.