26 Things That Would Happen If I Ran a School

The full title of this post is, “26 Things That Would Happen If I Ran a School and Also Had a Trillion Dollars and If Safety Weren’t an Issue And Magic Existed” but the shorter one was more Internet-friendly.
Before I had an awesome principal, I used to think A LOT about
how I would run a school. Sometimes I would come up with very serious things I’d do
differently, like, “Wow, I would not spend my Teacher’s
Appreciation Week banquet speech passive-aggressively calling my teachers lazy and
untalented,” which were my actual thoughts during the Teacher’s Appreciation Week banquet one of my first years. Other times I’d invent unrealistic ways I’d run a school, like, “I would totally have a cereal bar installed in the teacher’s lounge along with a milk
fountain where the milk comes out of a bucket held by a cat who is standing on its hind legs and smiling.”

This post is full of the type of reasons in that latter
realm of thinking.
I should also clarify that I’m writing this post late at
night after consuming an alarming amount of sugary treats sent to me from a
friend in Scotland.
Also, be aware that this post features the use of “they” as a singular pronoun because I love it and because it’s a thing now.
Here we go.
26 Things That Would Happen If I Ran a School and Also Had a Trillion Dollars and If
Safety Weren’t an Issue And Magic Existed
1. Teachers would have a bank of five additional vacation
days called Nope, Not Going to Happen Today Days for those times when you
get to school and realize you’re wearing two different shoes, or that you
forgot your laptop, or that all your students are inexplicably savage and might
set you on fire in the near future. You’d just email your supervisor and go home,
no questions asked.
2. At back-to-school professional development I’d pretend
that teachers are actually NFL players. I’d  rent one of those inflatable gates
for them to run through to enter the school. There would also be a pyrotechnic
display and I’d make students come to school for that day on their summer break
and cheer maniacally and paint their faces and stuff. It’d be part of their
service hours graduation requirement.
3.  We’d watch Whiplash during professional development
as an example of how not to run your classroom followed by Mr. Holland’s Opus for morale.
4. The whole school would follow a midday routine of 40
minute lunch à
30 minute recess à
hour-long mandatory quiet time (no talking or technology; reading or napping or
staring only).
5. There would be these giant, six by six-foot soundproof Plexiglas
cubbies installed on all classroom walls called pods. The pods are big enough
to fit a kid and their desk. If a student wanted to work by themselves or
needed to make up a test or quiz they could just go in a pod and have total
6. I’d have like eight therapists on staff, and every
student has to meet with a therapist at minimum once a year even if they don’t
think they need to. If they insist that they have absolutely no emotional conflict
whatsoever in their lives, they can just talk to their assigned therapist about
Netflix or something.
7. I’d have another free therapist on staff just for
teachers, and there would be a small cookie oven in their office.
8. Students would take a Career Exploration class where they
choose nine careers to shadow over the course of their sophomore year. (Obviously
some nefarious careers would be banned, like writers of education policy.) Some
career experts would be there at school to provide free services to teachers
(e.g. chef, barista) and would also offer technical
training to students.
9. There would be a school garden and the chef would teach
students how to grow food and prepare it.

10.  Instead of in or out-of-school suspension, students who broke major rules would have to come work in the school garden for eight hours on Saturday and then have to write a poem comparing their inner transformation to that of a plant.

11. The library would be an exact replica of the one in the castle
in Beauty and the Beast.
12. The cafeteria would be an exact replica of the
dining hall at Hogwarts.
13. There would be a doggy day-care on campus where faculty
and staff could leave their dogs so they’re not alone for ten hours every day. There would be a vet on staff that oversees the day-care and also is part of the
Career Exploration class, so students could shadow him or her. And then if
you’re sad during your conference period you could go play with a bunch of
14. The substitutes are all super awesome undergraduate
education majors from a local university. We get free substitutes, they get
observation/classroom hours. Win-win.
15. In addition to stairs there are slides and rock walls
to travel between floors.
16. Teachers would go on a surprise mystery international
all-expenses paid vacation every year for Teacher Appreciation Week.
17. Teachers would be given a school debit card and an
excitingly large budget to use on student supplies.
18. Each teacher would be assigned a professional assistant.
The professional assistant’s job is to make and field phone calls, input
grades, respond to emails, schedule meetings, fill out forms and hall passes,
make new supply requests, inventory and organize current supplies, create and
rotate work on bulletin boards, run errands related to teaching for supplies
and resources, keep track of teacher’s academic budget, run correspondence with
parents and administration, keep track of important school calendar dates such
as school events, standardized testing, district initiatives, deadlines, etc.
Oh and also answer the teacher’s personal phone calls, text messages, and
emails. This way, teachers can focus their energy on their students, and on
planning, teaching, professional training, and giving feedback to meet the
needs of each child. Just like in the old days!
19. The scary red exclamation point on urgent emails in Microsoft
Outlook would be replaced with the unicorn emoji.
20.  Student desks
could be converted to standing desks, lap trays, or rocking chairs.
21. Special robots would monitor standardized tests, not
teachers or staff, because no human should have to do that job except for the
people who design them.
22. The IT technician would be a wizard. Not figuratively.
An actual wizard.
23. All students would be required to take a class senior
year called Really Important Things where they are taught a rolling curriculum
of information teachers deem students need to know but doesn’t necessarily fit in a
traditional course subject. E.g. how to invest wisely in the stock market,
knowing which side of the sidewalk to walk on, developing emotional
intelligence, which direction the toilet paper should be facing when you
replace it, using your turn signal, and other random bits of knowledge teachers
want to impart to children before they graduate.
24. Snuggies would be not only permitted in the dress code
but encouraged.
25. Fluorescent lighting is outlawed. Ambient lighting only.
Also candles are allowed, but nothing that smells like real food (cupcakes,
caramel, cookies, etc.) because that’s unconstitutional*.
26. Every year in June just before summer break, there is an
end-of-year concert that is required attendance by the whole school. Between
the two groups of students and faculty, whichever group has the lower average number of unexcused absences
during the school year gets to choose the band/artist. So if students have
fewer unexcused absences, they could vote on Rebecca Black and faculty would be
forced to listen. But if faculty have
fewer unexcused absences, they could vote to bring in ALANIS MORISETTE and life
would be awesome and students’ heads would kind of explode.

I’m going to stop now because it’s 11:45 P.M., but not
because I can’t think of 800 more things to add to this list, because I can.

Love and dreams,
*See the 8th Amendment